surecure

Sometimes you can learn so much about yourself through the attempts of forgiving others.

Today I was doing an exercise built around the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This exercise was to identify somebody in your past who has caused you to be in a losing situation and hurt you through it. I had to write out precisely how they did so including identifying the effects.

I had been thinking of the vastly different place I am in today than I was two and a half years ago. This is largely a result of having lost my previous job. The events leading up to that lost job really struck me as debilitating and destructive.

My boss was a micro-manager which basically made me impotent and immobilized in my job. Every time I tried to get things done, he would sweep in, demand arbitrary changes and expect me to roll with it. This came to a head when business was so busy that I had to hire somebody in my department.

Through advertising and interviewing, I had found the perfect candidate. Then my boss came in and decided he wanted somebody who could speak French. This threw out the whole process which was doubly problematic in how -- by that time -- my workload was backing up beyond belief. While my previous call for applicants yielded many qualified people, the bilingual request yielded two people.

The person we ended up hiring turned out to be completely incompetent, deceptive, lazy, ignorant and ultimately backstabbing. Yet, I really didn't feel I had a choice but to keep him around because I didn't have time to find somebody new. This resulted in a quick decline in the temperament of my office environment. And with my boss actually castrating my leadership in the department in front of this employee -- he said something while passing through the office one day that basically gave the new guy free reign -- it became impossible to resolve the problems.

As it was, I was ambushed in a lunch meeting between my boss, the new guy and myself which basically prepared me to quit. I ended up being arbitrarily let go a week later. I was relieved to say the least. Unfortunately, with the economy as bad as it was, I was left for a year and half without a job which crippled me financially. A year later I am still trying to dig myself out from the pit I was left in.

But, writing out all the aspects of this has made me realize how little control I actually had. It also made me realize that there was nothing that I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. I actually believe that it would help my former boss to know the negative effects his micro-managing had caused in his office... something even the office manager had complained to me about.

The final step in all of this is to mail the letter to the person to let it all go. Will I do so? I'm not sure yet.

But, considering how much it could actually help my former employer -- and myself -- I'm thinking I might. We shall see.

When I was learning to act, I was taught that you should always play your role at the level of somebody who is as intelligent as you. The strength of the character and its effectiveness within the role is elevated by the intellect and cunningness of the performance.

I've found in life, sometimes it is better to play dumb. It allows people to think they're pulling one over on you and you just let them continue to expose themselves.

For instance, if you have somebody who you know is trying to be deceptive, you can get further by playing dumb and throwing random, almost thoughtless ideas out there to challenge the person's stance. If they are telling the truth, they will stay completely on topic. But, if they're being deceptive, they'll mirror you in your arbitrary facade. And usually in them doing so, they'll expose their deceptive motivation.

It's unfortunate that this is sometimes necessary, but in certain circumstances where you can't call somebody on a line of BS, it is helpful to get roundabout confirmation of their deceptiveness in their approach. It gives perspective. It gives comprehension.

And it gives you the ability to plan your next move.

And it gives you an insight into the character of your would-be opponent. Do you want to deal with them? Or is it better to just cut bait?

In my present circumstance dealing with the person I'm dealing with right now... that is yet to be seen...

The Liberals and leftist-extremist elements within our media seem to have a mental sickness.

a) They willfully ignore UN regulations which prevent abortion from being promoted as a means of maternal health and use the public's ignorance of that fact against them.
b) They create a firestorm of controversy over an issue that Canadians don't want reopened by turning the focus on assisting maternal health globally in developing countries into a partisan debate on abortion.
c) They ignore the fact that the overwhelming majority of the countries who would receive our assistance ban abortion in the first place. And...
d) They then try and say that it was in fact the Conservatives who created this controversy.

And people wonder where the civility in our government went when you have these rabble-rousers holding their own partisan political goals over helping expectant mothers around the world.

No wonder Conservative Senator Nancy Ruth (a pro-choice, feminist, lesbian who was given her position by a Liberal PM) wants people to shut the @#$% up. The only thing this faux-outrage has accomplished is to endanger a source of help for women around the world in the name of partisan political agendas.

The Liberals and the media should look in the mirror and see what they have done. Their self-centered instigations are not helping anybody but themselves.

Shame on them all.

So, today I had to drive into work from my new home in Ancaster, Ontario. The first major highway I normally take is the 403 to go down Hamilton mountain where there is only one exit at the top and an exit 5km's later at the bottom.

Today there was an accident (again) at the bottom of the mountain leaving only 1 lane open. This meant traffic was backed all the way up the mountain. Instead of getting in line for a 40 minute wait on a 3 minute stretch of road, I went the long way around to the QEW adding a few minutes to my drive.

I took the 407 Express Toll Route to the 403, which is the next major artery. At its end, the 403 turns into the 410. Today there was an accident at this point with only 1 lane open. Thus the traffic was backed up all the way across Mississauga. Grrr....

So, I took Eglinton Ave instead which runs parallel with the 403 and is typically a smooth ride. However, leading up to Hurontario St all the way over to where the 403 curves North under Eglinton (about 5m's) the road was reduced to 1 lane for construction... of which the only section under construction was the first 50 meters blocked off. The rest was untouched.

To sum up...

Major artery out of Hamilton: accident reduces it to 1 lane
Major artery through Mississauga: accident reduces it to 1 lane
Alternate route through Mississauga: roadwork reduces it to 1 lane

Yep. I was late to work today.

When I look at the roads in Toronto I just have to ask how stupid the planning departments at the Ministry of Transportation of Ontario (MTO) is. Ontario is so screwed. I can't wait to move.

So, I left work at 3:00pm Thursday -- 15:00 to you nautical and military types -- to drive to Buffalo Niagara airport on my way to watch the last launch of the Space Shuttle Atlantis on Friday at 2:20pm. Getting out of Toronto was it's normal exercise in grrr's and gnashing of teeth. Thankfully, that glorious beacon of privatized industry, the 407ETR (yeah, let's not go there) ensured that getting between Mississauga and Hamilton took a relaxing 10 minutes even with the rain.

Getting across the border was easy as usual; the benefits of having dual Canada/US citizenship is the ability to flash a US passport getting into the US and a Canadian passport getting out. Mind you I could just claim refugee status in Canada and be given an automatic 7 day access pass. Strange that somebody can walk in, claim persecution and take a walk as long as they promise to show up somewhere in 7 days. But, if you live here and don't have proper ID? They'll be even nicer donning latex gloves and tickling the male G-spot.

Niagara Falls was its usual contrast of the classy Canadian tourism mecca and the run-down hole of a town in the US. But I digress... getting across the border by 4:30pm certainly gave me a sense of optimism that my trip was going to be beautiful.

Yeah... @#$%ing scratch that!

Got onto the 190 and headed towards Buffalo and Cheektowaga specifically to get to the airport. About 20km's away from the airport -- 12 miles for you stone-aged types -- the traffic grinded to a near halt. Turns out that there was a certain dignitary who had made an unscheduled landing in Buffalo. I'll even give ya a hint: draw a big fat zero and notice how coincidentally that number looks like a certain letter... can you guess? This, of course, means that everything in the area must instantly shut down.

My flight from Orlando connecting through Washington DC wasn't scheduled until 8pm so I still got to the airport in good time. But, getting into line I started to notice that people with tickets to the East coast (i.e. Washington DC) would instantly bristle up once arriving at the check-in counter. Turns out that every flight that night had been delayed until the morning. Now, considering that the tour operator I was seeing the shuttle launch via would be picking me up at my Orlando airport at 6am, my only airline choice to make it in time would be Tardis Air.

Translation: Yeah, I'm not going to see the launch from the NASA causeway like I planned and paid for :-(

So, after painful deliberation, I decided my only choice was to fly out this morning. This would entail me having to book a room near the airport, renting a car for the morning and doing my best to actually arrive in time to watch the launch. My flight out of Buffalo was scheduled to leave at 6:10am with a connection in Atlanta at 8:55 for arrival at 10:45. That would give me more than three-and-a-half hours after arrival in Orlando to grab my bags, get my car and drive out to Titusville on the Florida coastline to watch the flight.

Would it be that easy? Have you been paying attention to my luck thus far?

After a restless sleep, I got to the airport, checked in on time and got on the plane on time. However, it turns out there was a loose nut on the nose of the aircraft. And, no, at that particular time it was not me. We ended up waiting on the tarmac for 25 minutes before taking off with a notice that connecting flights might be missed... such as the flight to Orlando I was scheduled for. I crossed my fingers and lo-and-behold we arrived with ten minutes for me to get off the plane, run to my gate and get on the other plane.

Anybody else have to do that? If so, you might know oh-so-well the surprise yet to come from that fiasco.

I got on the plane and had a center seat between an African-American man who looked like he'd be more comfortable at a Klan meeting than on a plane (let's say his knuckles had already switched races to caucasian) and a short, smiley Filipino girl in very short jean shorts, and a tank top that accentuated her rather protruding bosom. She was nice enough to offer to sit in the middle and let me have the aisle for more leg room.

Between discussing our present hometowns and how happy she is with her implants (info she volunteered to me) the flight was rather enjoyable. In fact, a friend was picking her up from the airport to see the launch as well, making for two things we had in common. And, no you didn't miss anything above. Do I really need to point out what the first thing we had in common was?

The plane landed on time and I headed down to the baggage claim. By 11:20 after everybody else had grabbed their baggage and left, the unsettling reality kicked in: I got on the plane, my bag which was transporting my tripod did not. This led to 10 minutes more wasted with the baggage claim person who I finally convinced to hold the baggage -- which was due to arrive on the next flight in 20 minutes -- for when I swung back around. That brought me to about 11:30 with less than 3 hours to launch time. With that, I made a dash for the car rental counter.

And I dashed... and I dashed... before I suddenly discovered that the office of the rental company I booked with did not have a counter at the airport. I would have to shuttle over to their office to pick up the car. This was clearly not my day. Nevertheless, the wait for the shuttle was only about 3 minutes and the office was only another 3 minutes away. By 11:50 I had my car and was ready to rock.

I then made an executive decision to swing back to the airport. Knowing that it would only take me 5 to 10 minutes to get in, pick up my bag and get on the highway, I figured it was not going to make a big difference. However, when I got to the airport it turned out that they were wrong and in fact my bad had missed the next flight as well and would not arrive until 2pm.

Good GOD!!!

Burning tracks out of the terminal and to my car, I was almost instantly on the highway at two minutes past noon. And I had the pleasant joy of coming face to face with traveling at no more than 10 mph. Yes, folks... bumper to bumper traffic. Could this trip become any more stressful? No.

Getting out of Orlando through the toll booth on the highway was the difficult part. I did not leave the Orlando area until approximately 1pm leaving me with just 80 minutes to make it for the launch at 2:20pm. This time quickly ticked away. I had found a radio station that was following the launch and giving me a countdown to the impending doom that this trip now had the likelihood of becoming.

At 2pm I was just short of Titusville. However, by 2:10 I was still on the last major artery into the area. I had no idea how long it would take me to get there which did not bode well. The radio program started counting down into the last 5 minutes as I continued on the curved road along the edge of the town. Then the announcer switched over to mission control as they pulled the fuel nozzle off of the primary fuel tank and proceed into the last 2 minutes and 30 seconds.

And I was still on the road...

Until at that point I came over a slight hill and found myself driving right towards the waterfront that separates Titusville from the Kennedy Space Center. With just 45 seconds to spare, I pulled into the parking lot of a local bank that had a lot of spaces still open. Mind you it was likely that the female police officer frowning at me when I got out of my car was the cause for such open spaces. But, considering the timing I think she just figured it was pointless to stop me.

I had only a few seconds to get my camera out... pop my new zoom lens on... click out two test shots to make sure the settings were right.

With it all coming down to the wire... some things are just too magical not to see in person...

I recently posted a link on my Facebook profile in regards to the fact that that cradle of women's rights Iran was recently given the chair at the United Nation's committee on Women's Rights.  But what did people complain about?  That FOX News was the source of that link.

And I wonder why the political Left continues to push me to the political Right.  When something more disgusting and despicable -- and yet comparable in nature -- to the Catholic Church's protection of abusive priests is less important to comment on than FOX News, you know the political Left has lost perspective and needs to take a long hard look in that partisanship mirror.

I have recently gotten back into running.  Well, recently in the order of today was run number two for the season.  But, it is a start and I plan on sticking with it.  Having taken the last two weeks to fight a nasal infection that was not allowing me to breathe, I can safely say that I am healthy enough to get back into my exercise routine.

After my run today (3.8 km in 24 minutes), I stretched my muscles on the lawn beside some pine trees in my condo complex.  I could smell the grass and the needles and the air was a nice temperature in the shade.  Normally, I would have ran right back into my building after stretching out.  But today was different.  I looked around and realized that there was no rush.  I had time to enjoy this moment for what it was.

So, I lay back on the grass, changed my iPod from the mixed stream of alternative rock music I listened to on my run to the soundtrack for the movie Solaris by Cliff Martinez and stared up into the sky.  I felt calm.  I felt at peace.  I felt that I was here and I was alive and that was good enough.  It's been a long time since I've felt that way.

Spending much of the last two years in a state of massive stress over one thing or another (having no job or income, lack of movement on my artistic pursuits, the breakdown of my last relationship) I hadn't really been able to find much peace.  Especially lately as my employment insurance ran out and I had a fantastic job interview for which I have not heard word one on the decision for hiring.  However, I am confident that things are changing.

Looking up at the sky and the trees above me, smelling in the cool spring air and watching birds jump between the delicate branches that support their weight, I realized that I spend far too much time in a state of concern.  While I recently found that my ability to have faith in the world working out in the end had jumped to a new level that supplied some relief, I still have been preoccupied with thoughts of loss and helplessness.  However, today I saw the world beyond the chaos.  And it is still a beautiful little green and blue bubble that we live on here.

I feel good.  And it isn't about being fulfilled in all those areas of my life I am striving towards a sense of accomplishment in, but rather because I am starting to fight my demons with inner peace.

I am well.  My chronic depression is being held at bay and I am starting to feel more accepting of my life and my surroundings than I have felt in so very long a time.

If anything, the hardships over the past few years have done more to lead me to where I needed to be than anything.  Once I learned to accept my place in life and let the waters carry instead of drown this flailing creature, I found myself drifting.  But drifting always takes you somewhere you never expected.  And new surroundings, like questions from outside your head, always forces new perspectives and new ways to look at the world.  And as long as you focus on the light and the calm, you can always find happiness.

It's taken me thirty-four years to realize this.  But, my journey has taken me to where I need to be at this moment.  My acceptance of that fact has done more good than any words of encouragement or riches could have hoped to find.

It would seem that I take these long breaks from putting my head in order and its affairs to rest.  This journal seems almost analogous of my life.  I focus on things I need to change, I put a lot of effort into formulating a plan, I put it into motion, nothing happens... and a few weeks or months later I start all over again.  Though, just as this journal screams for updates, so does my life.

The band is moving ahead a little faster now.  Not a lot of progress, which is still bumming me out.  But, at least we have a direction of sorts.  I took the reigns and restarted a song that has been sitting around doing nothing since September, a song that had been left in James hands and seen little (read: no) progress.  My own intervention seems to have spurred a renewed interest and I am hoping that will keep him going.

We brought in an old song of my own which both James and Janal really like.  It's more of an upbeat, Cure-esque pop song which is really a departure from our generic sound.  But, it's great.  And it gives Janal something to have some fun with singing.  I have high hopes for it.

On the script front, still nothing.  No more letters from agencies.  The agent that I was in a little bit of contact with left her agency and hasn't returned any emails.  And the one bright hope that I had -- a new "friend" of mine with the actual means to pass my script to the one actress I had envisioned in the lead villain's role -- has not panned out.  I gave him my script in PDF form in December and sent him a hard copy about a month ago.  He had promised that if he felt comfortable after reading it, he would pass it on.  So far, nada.  What really bums me out is that he was in Beverly Hills last week.  Did he do anything with my script?  Considering he hasn't talked to or emailed me any indication that he has done anything, I'm assuming the answer is no.

Oh, well.

I am writing my next script, finally.  After over two years in development I finally felt the story had enough bones to move forward.  With a basic treatment and a page guide to follow, I am now 18 pages in and feeling pretty good.  My plan is to finish a first draft ASAP with no revisions until that draft is done.  That should keep me from the endless loop of fiddling that tends to prevent scripts from ever getting finished.  I imagine I might have this one done within the next month.

On the job front, no luck so far.  About two hundred resumes/applications in the past two months and there has been little action.  I did have a wonderful two and a half hour interview (yes, you read that right) at a company that makes radiation monitoring equipment for nuclear industries.  Fantastic company with offices throughout North America, Europe, Africa and Asia.

I went in and was interviewed by four people: the tech manager who I would report to under this job, his manager from the States, a tech rep from the States and the HR official who called me in.  The interview flew by like a breeze mostly because -- thanks to my previous position -- I knew most of what they were talking about.  The technology is basically based on the same principles as the technology I last worked in, so I was able to talk the lingo with them.  Even better, if I were hired I would be given a company car due to the amount of traveling involved.  Unfortunately, I have yet to hear from them.  The HR person told me they would be deciding at the end of the month, however I know that I can't hold my breath.  I need a job fast as I am running out of money.

I've been trying to be more social lately.  Went out to a club a few weeks ago for the first time since Halloween and I have been talking/chatting a lot more with friends of mine.  I spent an evening up in Shelburne with my friends Ryan and Michelle, which was a nice break away from this place.  I really need to spend less time at home as it is starting to run me into the ground.  Unfortunately, I have few choices.

Yeah, I really need a new job.

I feel like there is so much just waiting to happen but is being held back by a complete lack of movement on everything in my life.  If I had a job or sold a script, I could do so much more with my time.  Yet, with financial worries and the mind numbing that occurs when one is unemployed and every day bleeds into the next, it is hard to grasp anything.

The one thing I have decided to do is focus a little bit more on just making things happen instead of waiting for things to happen.  I drove around Markham a few weeks ago and made a list of every tech company I could find.  I plan on doing the same in Scarborough, East York and North York, just to see what is close to home.  Then, I'll just shoot out resumes until I'm blue in the face. Something has got to give, right?

Right?

I can't stand Daylight Saving Time.  The concept is ridiculous in modern times and only acts as a means to screw up our biological clocks twice a year... well, it ain't so bad in the fall, but in the spring it sucks serious donkey balls.  Yesterday and today I've been exhausted for no other reason than the fact that my hours have been screwed up to save scant electricity that in modern times is really not being saved at all since so many people work and live during hours that were not your typical hours of consciousness when this whole mess was created.

I digress...

Last night, I did not sleep well.  It was mainly because I had this really long dream that I was somehow back at my old job having been called in to help out for a day by my former boss.  When I got there, the place was much bigger and much more disorganized than it had ever been.  However, the only good part was that the pain-in-the-ass employees who were the main reason I was glad to leave that job were all gone.  It was only my boss and the VP/head of sales, both of whom I got along with fabulously while I was there.  I was there to fix something but found that I did not have the proper tools and parts.  And even when I found one of the parts, it went missing halfway through the dream/nightmare.

Still, the feeling of trying to work in that place after being let go in such an undignified manner -- I was let go after six years with no forewarning, no access to my personal materials on my computer, almost no thanks for my services and no goodbye lunch like employees who worked there for less time at less demanding positions -- was not exactly a wonderful dream.  The dream concluded with the VP indicating that they were looking to hire somebody on, almost an olive branch to me as it were.  As a dream, it doesn't really mean anything since I would never go back to that job.  However, it makes me hope that perhaps the end is in sight for my unemployment.  Maybe I am on the verge of actually finding some worthwhile employment.

Or it could just have been a dream.

Unemployment is not a wonderful state to be in.  When you have a decent severance package and some stable EI funds, it is not quite as distressing at the time as one would think.  But, after more than a year of unemployment, having received very few interviews and with no prospects in sight, it does start to wear on the nerves.  While I have several projects on the go, it would be so much nicer to actually see fruition on something I have set in motion.

The biggest hurdle is finding a job that provides approximately the same pay I received when I departed my previous job.  It's not much to ask for considering I was being paid less than what I should have been at my last job.  I could very easily get some random job for less pay, but the effect it would have on both my resume and the level of EI that I am entitled to from my previous job would not be beneficial in the long run.  So long as I have some support and a few months before it runs out, it makes sense to fight on for the type of position that I really would like to be in rather than just taking any old job anywhere.

Still, perhaps this dream/nightmare is just a good omen that the possibility of re-employment is on the horizon.  One can always hope.

Merde!  Merde!  Merde!

And here I thought I would be finished with the crap from my medication.  But, no... tonight I had to sit around while my skull was doing its interpretation of a bongo drum.  The good old symptom of feeling my brain synapses firing kicked back in tonight, nearly two weeks after having been off the medication.  @#$%ing ridiculous... seriously, I wouldn't want to wish this crap on my enemies.

But, how do I know it's withdrawal and not just some headache?  Because, my depression is coming back.  And pretty damn quickly.

I've been feeling good since November.  I had been on the meds, I had done some therapy... everything seemed to be great.  In fact, up until a couple of days ago I would have said I hadn't felt this peaceful in a long time.  But, for some reason tonight I am feeling awful, both physically and emotionally.  I feel the same sense of failure and lack of fulfillment that pulled me down so low in October.

And there is no reason for it tonight!  My band picked the creative team for the music video we're making and they said yes.  We're moving forward with it full steam and the band is also eager to get out and play live soon.  Everything is moving forward.  For all that's going on in my life, I'm fine!  I don't have anything that's happened in my life today that's any different from a week ago.  But, I'm now finding myself falling back into the same patterns of feeling like the world has abandoned me that nearly tore me apart in the Fall.

I just wish that something would change in my favor.  While the band is finally getting out of the snail's pace it's been in, and I have a friendship that is now blooming into something more, I can't help but focus on the complications of both situations.  And they do have very big complications, mind you.  But, I should be grateful... and until tonight I have been.  I should feel happy about how things are going... and, once again, up until tonight I have been.  But tonight, for some reason or another, all I can focus on is the negativity.  I'm focusing on the exact same things I did in the fall that were tearing me apart.

I am really @#$%ing sick of this!

I need something to change in my favor.  I am really getting to the point in my life where I need some kind of progress forward.  I see it all around me.  My friends are moving on with their lives and I'm stuck. I'm putting so much effort forward and I'm not seeing any results at all!  And I'm not getting any help either.  It feels like every olive branch I extend is coming back with a lump of coal wrapped in a bow that says, "Sorry. I know you've been great and all. But, I really couldn't be bothered."  I've never asked for much from my friends and family in terms of help to propel me forward in my success.  And I've given so much without thanks.  Yet, when I try and get the people around me to finally help me out... nothing.

What bothers me is that I look around and I am constantly seeing situations where the people I know are getting that kind of assistance from everybody.  And most of the time it is effortless.  They don't even ask for it!  And yet it is thrown their way in bulk supply.  I don't even get it when I'm begging for it.  And it feels like it has always been like that for me.  All I need is one helping hand and I can't find it anywhere.

I really wish that I wasn't facing this.  But, being the logical person I am, I know that things are not and will never be easy, either on my depression side or the things going on in my life.  Still, logic is cold and calculating and offers no comfort.  And right now, that's all I need.  Comfort.  I need to have something in my life that smoothes things out.  I've worked hard for it, on all levels, and have been paid back in heaps of disregard.

I don't want to be a self-centered prick.  I don't want to be the type who will cut people out of my life for the smallest mistreatment.  I've seen people like that -- cold and with a true emotional disconnection from the world -- and I don't want to be like that.  I'm just not sure I can go on anymore being the empathic, caring, selfless person I have been that has rewarded me with being taken for granted by so many people.

I don't know... maybe I just need some sleep.  Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.  I hope so.  Because I am tired, and it's not just physically.